I hate having to explain to people why I feel like leaving the party. It's humiliating, and it never goes smoothly. And everyone's friendly, and tries to talk me into staying, which just makes it harder.
Twice on this trip so far I've felt the sting of social anxiety. Tonight, in London, it's my cousin's birthday party - she's my host here - and of course I wanted to come out and join the festivities. But a short while into the night, it happened as it always does - I'm finding myself just standing there, afraid to approach a group, looking around at things in the room in pretense to actually being interested in the signage at the bar.
The music was too loud, the groups were forming up - I just can't compete. I've never been able to do anything in those situations. My chest tightens up, I feel ridiculous, and I just want to leave. I know I won't be happy leaving - as I'm unhappy now - but I likewise know I won't be happy staying, standing, pretending to read signs all night.
So I hate explaining to people, in the process of having a good time, why I have to leave. Because, of course, I'm already in a fight-or-flight mode, and so now having to explain this silly problem to people comes out awkwardly. A few of them tried to talk me into staying, and I appreciate that, but I just know my behaviour patterns, I know the likely outcome, and I just want to spare myself.
This has been hanging over me for a while now - in relation to this trip specifically. I don't want this to ruin things for me, but I have real fears that it might. If things stay in small crowds or conversation stays to philosophical banter, I'm set; I'm fine; I shine. But sometimes people want to go out and have fun, and that's where I'm useless. I'm just not much fun. And on nights like this one, it bums me out. I'm torn between wanting to change and wanting to be able to just say, "This is what I am, and always have been; It's okay, and I should accept it."
So, heh, that's London so far. I've been very unsocial - trying to keep up, because I don't want to be rude, but it's just tough. When I feel like this, it's just tough.
Ah, well - I knew there'd be bad days. And I knew that I'd just have to remember on the bad days that there will be good days. So let us keep our thoughts on that.
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Andrew -
sorry to hear you are fighting so social awkwardness.
As a host not only to CSer's, but also a party host, I find I am often the common denominator between people. I try to introduce people and when doing so, tell them a little bit about the other, like:
Hey, So and so, this is my friend Andrew. We're couchsurfers and he's traveling to Europe on a boat.
Andrew, this is my friend so and so and we know each other through such and such activity"
It helps to listen. I know that sounds cliche but - picking up on social cues in conversation and putting yourself out really helps. I know it's frustrating and kinda scary but sometimes all it takes is one or two questions put to the other person to open them up. Chances are, they are as nervous as you!
My new motto:
Get up, Get dress, Show Up.
You're well on your way in your adventure. Hold on tight!
Thanks, Stef.
Yeah, I find I can have parties that I'm dreading going to, and I end up having a great time, so it's hit-and-miss.
Myself, I've adopted an improv motto for social events: "Say yes."
But I still have those days...
I feel your pain.
The thing I regret most about my Paris trip was the anxiety that periodically kept me from doing things that would have, in retrospect, been amazing, and not that scary.
'Say Yes' is probably the best motto you can have for this trip :)
Post a Comment