The Long Dark Busride of the Soul

Okay, time to pick up where I left off.
Also, just a note, I want to modify the format of this blog - maybe put it in, like, a calendar format, so a date can be clicked, and the entry from that date will come up. Can computers do that kind of thing? I'll figure it out.

Okay - bus to Montreal. Me - shy.

So why don't we talk more to strangers? With me, it's shyness. I wonder with other people if it's the same thing, or if there's a genuine disinterest in talking to people. I've gotta say, from my experience talking to people, it rarely goes disastrously, and often goes pleasantly. So do we just not want to talk? What motivates us to talk to each other? Why are there people who we are simply not motivated to talk to? And then, the alternate question, why would we talk to anyone in the first place? Is there an evaluative "this person has nothing to offer me," and so engaging such a person is simply not worth the effort? Do we think this way? Tough questions. Especially for a shy person.

So anyway, I'm sitting by myself on the bus until we get to the Scarborough Town Centre stop. A whole bunch of people load in, and one sits beside me. She happens to be an extraordinarily beautiful girl. Great. That makes her simultaneously the person I want most to talk to, and paradoxically, the person I'm least likely to talk to. Here's why - well, shyness ranks right up there as a reason why I can't talk to pretty girls, but there's also an element of not-wanting-her-to-think-that-I'm-hitting-on-her in play. I feel guilty if I talk to someone and there's a possibility that I'm just doing it because I find that person attractive - so to battle this guilt, my usual recourse is to not talk to such people, lest I risk acting with impurity. Pretty boring, huh?
So I'm sitting there the whole bus ride going back and forth about whether or not - and how - to talk to this person. There is almost no down side - so why is it so difficult to muster it up? And don't get me wrong - I only want a friendly conversation with a fellow human being, but the fact is, this is an attractive person, and I'm afraid of letting that get in the way of my otherwise quite innocent motivation. Does anyone else relate to this?

So the busride goes on, and I happen to glance over and see that the book she's reading has an evolution chart of humans and their closest relatives, or something like that. Man, I'm all about evolution. There's your conversation-starter. But I keep to myself.

Much of the ride goes by, and this thought process obnoxiously continues, making it even less likely that I'm gonna say anything, since nobody likes doing anything when they've overanalyzed it like this. Especially not me.

Finally, about 20 or 30 minutes before we reached Kingston, long after she's put her books away and is sitting doing nothing, like me, she starts walking her fingers along the seat in front of her like a little person. Okay - we both wanna talk. And I muster a friendly "You bored?" and a rather pleasant conversation ensues. She was indeed a lovely person.

I gave her my blog address, since she was interested in the idea of cargo freighter travel (so, yes, I'm writing with the awareness that she may read, but I don't think I've said anything that might fundamentally alter the conversation.) She got off at Kingston, and the rest of the ride to Montreal was somewhat uneventful.

I get to Montreal, call up the step-uncle (?) who will be hosting me for my stay, and make my way to his place for the night.

That boat still seems far off.